Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
