I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
