I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Randomize
