i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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