On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
