I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just want to make out with him forever
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
