shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
