The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
