I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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