Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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