porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
