So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
