I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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