the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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