I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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