I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I can feel your judgement through the phone
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
