I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
