I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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