There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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