he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
