The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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