Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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