Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
