Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
