Capitaan dildo arrescate!
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
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