i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
