Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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