He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
