never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
