stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
