see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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