maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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