1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
