After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
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He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
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You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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