i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
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