i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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