Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
