I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
