you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
