i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
