It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
