Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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