i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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