the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
