can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
