Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
