peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
