i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
