I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
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You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
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You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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