I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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