If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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