bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
