Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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