Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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