I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
