I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
