woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
