We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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