Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
