Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
