Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
