To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
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My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
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After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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