Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Randomize
